As many of us come together with friends and family this holiday weekend to celebrate the incredible country we call home, here are some thoughtful tips to help foster more meaningful and enjoyable conversations.
Don’t Multi-task. Be present in the moment, pay attention to the person you are speaking with. We remember less than 25% of what we hear immediately after hearing it; within two months most of that information is already gone from our memory.
Don’t Pontificate. Don’t sermonize or lecture when talking to someone. Acknowledging what you have heard doesn’t mean you can’t debate it, but you should accept what you have heard instead of trying to question it. Next time instead of saying “Yes, but…” try saying, “Yes, and…” these are two very different approaches which will lead to two very different conversations.
Open-Ended Questions. We don’t typically ask a lot of questions when having a casual conversation, we make statements or crack jokes. Start your conversations with the standard questions “who, what, where, when, why or how”. It’s the best way to draw out an introverted person and the best way to interrupt someone who won’t stop talking.
Go with the Flow. Stories and thoughts will come to you as you are having a conversation, let them come and go. We are usually so focused on what we want to say, we stop listening. Conversations are unpredictable and demanding; they require patience, attention and energy. Just listen.
If You Don’t Know, Say You Don’t Know. Studies have found a person’s trust and respect increases when someone tells them “I don’t know, but I will find out”. However, make sure to follow through or you will quickly lose the respect you earned.
Don’t Equate Your Experience with Theirs. How we respond in a conversation will either be a Shift Response or a Support Response. A shift response shifts the attention back to you; a support response keeps the attention on the speaker and the topic he/she is discussing. What you may think of as an empathic statement is often a shift, turning the conversation back to you.
Try Not to Repeat Yourself. Say what you need to say once and make it crystal clear. Studies show people rely on others to tell them what to do; often multiple times. If your listener knows they only have one chance at hearing your instructions, they are more apt to pay attention.
Avoid Too Many Details. We have all started telling a story which ended up weaving into multiple mini stories. These types of conversations are confusing to the listener. Stay on task and try not to interject too many details or stories into one thought. Your listener will leave the conversation with a much clearer understanding of what you were sharing with them.
Listen. Listening is a skill we must be taught. We often get distracted and want to be in control of the conversation. It takes energy to listen. “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply”, Stephen Covey.
Be Brief. How long we can talk and how long we can listen changes dramatically from one person to another. People have short attention spans, try to get your point across in less than 2 minutes.
As we enter the summer season with lots of BBQs and social events, keep your mind open and try to keep your mouth shut, you might be amazed at what you learn.
Happy Canada Day!
Tracey & Paige
Source: Celeste Headlee, Article Ten Ways to Have Better Conversations, www.cheadlee.com
Photo by Tegan Mierle on Unsplash
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